When Emotions Run High: What You Can Do to Shift Them
Emotions are part of being human. They color how we think, how we connect, and how we move through the world. But what happens when those emotions start to feel overwhelming, like they’re running the show?
In his book “Shift: Managing Your Emotions — So They Don’t Manage You”, psychologist and emotion researcher Ethan Kross shares simple, research-backed tools to help you navigate emotional turbulence. The good news? You don’t have to “master” your emotions or feel in control all the time. But you can learn how to respond to them more skillfully—so they don’t take over.
Here are a few ideas from his book that might support you when feelings run deep:
You don’t always have to dive into your emotions
We often hear that we should “sit with our feelings” or “process everything.” And yes, avoiding our emotions completely can make things worse in the long run. But Kross makes a subtle and important point: sometimes, taking a bit of distance from our emotions helps us get perspective and calm down. It’s not about ignoring or repressing. It’s about choosing when to face something—and when to take a step back.
For example: after a stressful conversation, it might help to go for a walk, watch something funny, or call a friend before diving into self-analysis. The question isn’t “Am I avoiding this?” but rather, “Is what I’m doing actually helping me feel better or clearer?”
Try talking to yourself as if you were a friend
One of Kross’s most powerful tools is something surprisingly simple: speak to yourself using the word “you” instead of “I.” This is called distanced self-talk, and it can help you respond to yourself with more clarity and compassion.
Instead of saying “I can’t handle this,” try: “You’re having a hard time right now, but you’ve gotten through difficult things before.” That slight shift creates space and perspective—like offering your future self a bit of encouragement. It may feel odd at first, but it works.
Use your senses to shift your state
Another powerful tool? Your senses. Our brain reacts instantly to sensory input—what we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Kross encourages us to think of our senses as “emotional levers.”
Here are a few small, concrete ideas you can try:
Touch something soothing, like a warm mug, soft blanket, or a pet.
Listen to music that lifts or steadies you. (Yes, even a cheesy ‘80s anthem can be the right choice!)
Look at a calming image—nature scenes work well for many people.
Smell something pleasant and grounding, like coffee, lavender, or fresh air.
None of these change your life situation. But they can give your nervous system a break—and sometimes that’s exactly what we need.
One size doesn’t fit all
Perhaps the most important message in Shift is this: emotional tools are personal. What works for someone else might not work for you—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to “fix” how you feel. It’s to experiment, learn what helps, and build your own emotional toolbox over time.
If you’re curious to explore what might help you shift your emotions more gently and effectively, I’d be glad to support you in therapy. You don’t have to handle everything on your own—and sometimes, the most important shift is simply asking for support.